In a story which reached publication only because it enabled the author to use the phrase “Sony Makes Cats Tweet” (and yes, I’m admittedly green with envy that someone else got there first), Asia’s TechOn news reports that Sony – whose new slogan really should be “Making the Unnecessary Ubiquitous and Almost Affordable Since 2001″ – has developed a wearable lifeblogging device for cats.
Let’s repeat that, in case you weren’t listening:
Sony has produced a device that lets cats blog.
Well, almost. It literally makes them Tweet. The device contains sensors which “deduce” the cat’s behavior based on movement and timing, translates those deductions into one of 11 fixed phrases … and automatically posts them to Twitter. To the cat’s twitter feed.
This is wrong on so many levels, it’s hard to know where to begin. For a change, let’s go with the easy one: I don’t want my cat to Twitter because I don’t want something without opposable thumbs having more followers than me. And since I don’t use Twitter…that would be easily done. From there, it’s a fast and slippery slope to places we absolutely, positively, don’t want to get to. Even if the device is correct that “meals taste better after a walk” – and that the cat is, in fact, enjoying a meal after taking a bit of an afternoon stroll, I don’t want to know.
Unfortunately, I’m guessing most Twits (which, as David of TWC tells me, is the correct nomenclature for “persons who use twitter”) do.
The device does have serious limitations, however. Any cat owner can tell you that cats have far more than 11 thoughts romping through their monstrously devious heads. Clearly, “TwitterCat 2.0″ will need a few more phrasing possibilities. Permit me to suggest a few popular ones, based on my own cats’ behavior:
1. “The human won’t give me a Frito. Come quickly and help me shred his ankles until compliance is achieved.”
2. “Don’t bother me, I’m sleeping.”
3. “Open the fridge, mortal. Open it now.”
4. “Don’t bother me, I’m sleeping.”
5. “If he doesn’t come home with cat treats, I’m eating his socks again.”
6. “What part of ‘nap time’ do you not understand?”
8. “I find your lack of treats disturbing.”
10. “Toilet water tastes much better than water from the little bowl on the floor. Want some?”
On the other hand, none of these may be necessary. The minute you tell a cat he’s “tweeting,” he’s likely to do what any self-respecting being would do if forced to twitter against its will.
He’ll give you back the bird.