Yeah, right. And Yaks love solicitors.
Reality aside, a man in Lucerne, Switzerland recently set up a business that provides “evil clown” services for children’s birthdays.
Not familiar with the evil clown? It works something like this:
Step 1: Deranged Loving parents contact Evil Clown company to arrange a surprise for the birthday boy or girl.
Step 2: Throughout the week leading up to the victim torturee child’s birthday, said child receives threatening text messages, telephone calls and “traps in letterboxes” (no idea what that last bit entails, not sure I want to) from an unnamed …adult … individual.
Step 3: At some point during the seven-day period, an evil clown jumps out from behind an otherwise innocent object and smashes a birthday cake into the child’s face.
Step 4: Therapy ensues.
(OK…I admit, I made the last one up. But the rest of it is real.)
Any child who manages to avoid being smacked with a cake “gets the cake as a birthday present.”
Ooo. Cake from a stalker. Just what I always wanted.
I do have to ask, though: when did stalking become a party game? Last I checked, children grow up fast enough in this less-than-perfect world. Do we really have to hasten the process? On the one hand, it’s probably good news that there are so few pedophilic stalkers in Switzerland that parents have to go out and pay for the privilege, just to ensure their little ones won’t miss out on this vital childhood experience. On the other…this is one sort of surprise I think we can do without.
For the record, when my parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday, “the feeling that I’m being pursued by a projectile-wielding maniac” really wasn’t all that high on my list. In fact, it didn’t make THAT list at all. Threats, stalking, and unexpected attacks in public generally get filed under “things I’d rather save for never, but thanks for asking.”
According to the company founder, “Kids absolutely love being scared senseless,” and, “It’s all in fun and if, at any point, the kids get scared or their parents are concerned, we stop right there.” Sorry, I’m calling shenanigans on this one. Viewed side by side, the problem should be clear. “We’re here to scare you…until you get scared.”
Of course, that’s probably exactly the message we should expect from Crazy Stalker Clown.
Who, incidentally, is standing right behind you.