The Random Yak

I thought I’d provide the Nobel Prize Selection Committee – and the rest of you -  with a list of great things I intend to do.

After all, now that the Nobel People have run out of actual achievers and started giving out prizes to those who merely aspire to greatness, I figure I should get on the bandwagon early and avoid the rush.  Once word gets out that you only have to intend greatness to receive the award, well, every Tom, Dick and Yak out there is going to want one.

I’m staking my claim first.  Let it be known that The Random Yak is now eligible (and announcing candidacy) for the following (well-intended, but not quite completed) achievements in areas recognized by the Nobel Committee:

1.  For  Literature: planning to write the greatest novel ever written.  I can’t give away the plot, because someone would steal it, but just trust me, it’s the best.  I know – it’s in my head!

2.  For  Medicine: intending to publish a paper that definitively proves that eating Thai food and burritos prevents serious health problems (including…hunger!).

3.  For Physiology/Biology:  hoping to publish my research on why tube socks migrate and what it means for urban American ecosystems.  (Admittedly, the links do suggest I’ve actually published this research, which probably renders me ineligible for this one, but I really really really want to continue the research, and plan to discover something earthshakingly important by it, so hopefully my intentions count for something.  It’s not my fault I managed to fail this one by actually achieving.  Really…I didn’t know…)

4.  For Chemistry:  planning to discover a cure for cancer using only red meat, french fries, Diet Dr. Pepper and Oreos.  I call it the “Give your cancer cancer” plan.  My original plans also included bacon, but given that bacon is already a known cure for “everything that ails you” I figured including it would make the research too easy.  (Please note: my excessive ongoing consumption of the aforementioned food items should not be considered “research,” as that might move my work from the “intending” stage to the “action” stage and thereby render me ineligible for the Nobel Prize.  Until I actually win the Nobel Prize for (Intended) Efforts in Chemistry, my consumption should be referred to as a “lifestyle choice.”)

5.  For Peace:  wanting to leave leftover pizza for others, instead of consuming it all myself.  (Statistically…27% of you got that, and 98% of you don’t actually believe I’ll ever achieve it.) Or if that doesn’t work, for considering that it might be a good idea if toddlers learned not to hit one another and all the public school children in the world could be trained to get rid of bullies by saying, “Stop That Right Now!”  (OK, the last one isn’t actually mine, but now that I know it might win a prize I’ve decided to intend it as mine, so that should be enough.)

6. For Economics:  hoping to find enough quarters on the street to buy myself a Mocha at the local mom-and-pop coffee shop, thereby helping both the environment and the economy in one selfless (if never consummated) act.  (I’d have to drink the mocha too, or that would be wasting, but hopefully the Nobel Committee can overlook that one small achievement.  I guess I could always leave an inch in the bottom and just intend to finish it off.) Now, I’ve never actually found quarters on the street, so I usually just buy the Mocha myself, but the key is that I intended to do it by finding.  And although I try to support mom-and-pop business, I do understand that according to The High Powers That Know Better Than You And Me, bailing out big business is the way to economic recovery, so I also intend to buy a mocha at Starbucks just to make sure I’m spreading the intended benefits around.  (See how I’m willing to plan to sacrifice for the cause?)

I could go on, but I think I’ve sufficiently proven my intent to turn my life into something useful to society, and if I continue I might accidentally accomplish or achieve something – which would disqualify me for the award.  We can’t have that.  So, in the interim, I think I’ll just sit here and think happy and potentially productive thoughts.  The committee representative should be showing up any time…