Got to work this morning to discover the Internet connection had taken a personal day. (A very personal day, as it happens, but I digress.)
Understanding that These Things Do Happen, I performed the normal level 1 maintenance and troubleshooting (check connections. reset router. reset modem and router. take a five minute break to prevent Saying the Words We Do Not Say. reset modem and router again. re-check computer. wash, rinse, repeat.). Didn’t work.
After spending several hours working on projects which didn’t absolutely require the Internet (read: trying to make the best of a situation which refused to improve) I finally came to the horrifying realization that I had only two options:
1. Call it a day and go home (since no one else came in today anyway)
or
2. Call The ISP Who Shall Remain Nameless to Protect the Guilty and try to resolve the issue.
Ordinarily, that’s a no-brainer and I’d already be hanging from a rock wall somewhere tethered to Yak the Younger and enjoying an otherwise beautiful afternoon. In fact, I seriously considered it. After all, nobody else came in today. I have no immediately pressing deadlines.
I can do all this tomorrow …
… wherein lies the problem.
You see, if the Internet worked when I left yesterday but didn’t work when I arrived this morning, and nothing changed in the interim, Something Has Happened to the Internet Service – a fact which strongly suggests that tomorrow morning would find me in no better position than I’m in today.
So I did the unthinkable.
I called the ISP. The telephone rang and I found myself connected to a pleasantly-irritated sounding woman from Georgia (the nation, not the state) whose knowledge of computers rivalled only her ability to understand compound sentences spoken in the English language. A rough transcript of our conversation follows below the fold:
ISP: Hello?
Yak: Hello.
ISP: Do you have problem?
Yak: (wondering if “many” is really the best response) I can’t access the Internet.
ISP: Do you have internet service?
Yak: (after a pause while I make certain the Snark’s cage is firmly bolted to prevent breakouts) Yes. With [ISP name deleted]. That’s you, right?
ISP: Okay. What’s your problem?
Yak: I can’t. Access. The Internet.
ISP: Internet doesn’t work?
Yak: Right. (I knew better than to say “yes.” Who’s on First?)
ISP: Why? What’s problem?
Yak: (double-checking snark cage, which appears to be weakening) I’m not sure. That’s why I called.
ISP: Is this new service?
Yak: Nope. It was working fine yesterday.
ISP: Did someone disconnect it?
Yak: Nope.
ISP: Are you sure?
Yak: I’m the only one here. Pretty sure.
ISP: Is your computer plugged in?
Yak: (recoiling in horror at the realization I’ve reached Tech Support: Level 1) Yes. So is the router and the modem, and I’ve already reset…
ISP: No, wait. One question at a time. Is computer plugged in?
Yak: I’ve already done this. Can I speak to a higher level tech?
ISP: I can’t help you unless you answer questions. Is computer plugged in?
Yak: (feeling an entire day’s productivity being sucked remorselessly into the black hole of Level 1 Tech Support) Really, I know what I’m doing. It’s not the computer. (pause) Yes, the computer is plugged in.
ISP: Is router plugged in?
(insert roughly ten minutes of questioning about the size, make, color and power status of computer, router and modem, none of which accomplished anything but a test on the structural soundness of snark cages)
ISP: OK. Now I can run test to see if there’s a problem.
Yak: I’m telling you there’s a problem. I can’t get on the Internet.
ISP: Wait. I have to tell you if there’s a problem.
Yak: (seriously contemplating the fact that moving to new offices and getting completely new service might prove easier than solving the problem through Level 1 tech support) Okay. I’ll wait.
ISP: OK.
(insert roughly five minutes of silence, mercifully lacking the usual Muzak version of “Climb Ev’ry Mountain” and “Born to Run”)
ISP: Okay. I have it.
Yak: You found the problem?
ISP: No. I can’t solve your problem. I have to transfer you to higher level tech, but I have to get permission to do that. Let’s try one more thing. Is the router plugged in?
Yak: (hearing the distinctive sound of a Snark cage in imminent danger of failure) We did this already.
ISP: Yes, one more thing.
Yak: No. No more. Please connect me to Level 2 now. Please. (Before this snark breaks free…)
ISP: OK, transfer to level two, hold on.
(Insert five minutes of waiting, still mercifully free of the kind of Muzak that sends the Snark into a frothing, babbling frenzy)
Five minutes later, level 2 identified the fact that the problem appeared to be internal to the router. Two minutes later, I had reprogrammed the router, solving the problem and re-establishing Internet service.
And yes, the router was plugged in the whole time. As was the computer. And the modem. Just like they were before I got on the phone.
The morals of the story (as if any doubt still existed):
1. Do whatever you have to do to get past Level 1 immediately and at all costs.
2. If you fail to get past Level 1, seriously consider a correspondence course in router maintenance. It’s faster.
3. The will is stronger than the snark. But just barely, and only for a limited time.
Trackposted to Perri Nelson’s Website, third world county, and Big Dog’s Weblog, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.
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So… Level 1 question: the router is leased? There’s the problem.
;-)
(ISPs almost invariably go with the low bid on lease equipment, then put customers through support hell to get help with it.)
Whenever–on those rare ocassions when it’s called for–our local ISP techie has to make a service call here at twc central, he always wants to “look at” (look, not touch–none of the equipment belongs to the ISP) my network closet, complete with its own cooling system, along with routers and cable “modems” (there are no such things as cable or DSL “modems” but that’s another semantic gripe)–the plurals indicating cached spares just sitting in ranks like soldiers waiting their turn… juuuust in case. :-) Just cos he likes to see it. *heh* (Oh, and I have the local service guy’s cell phone number. An advantage to living in America’s Third World County™. *heh*)
But I rarely have to call my ISP. My last call to my ISP’s tech support resulted simply in listening to a recorded message telling me about a service interrupotion in my area and what the techies were doing about it.
Nice ISP. I have experienced service outages related to severe weather (trees taking down lines, etc.), but otherwise, more reliable than our local mom n pop chewing gum and baling wire telco.
Your experience with your ISP reminds me more of the ongoing battle with my hosting “service” (2.5 weeks and counting; several days straight of escalated calls, emails and I’m sure back room sacrifices of chickens and shaking of chicken bone rattles by my hosting company…). Be very afraid when you see the words “Fatcow” and “server upgrades” on the same page…
*heh*
BTW, would you help me spread the meme, “Fatcow sucks dead bunnies through a straw”? It really cracked up the service rep I last spoke with, but I think it might do more to avert others experiencing what I have with “the hosting company that must not be named” (Oops! Too late!).
:-)
Comment by David — October 2, 2007 @ 11:02 pm
Please don’t kill me. But I think I may have programmed the router support support program that she used to trouble shoot your issue. It sounds hauntingly familiar.
Comment by darcee — October 3, 2007 @ 12:31 am