The Random Yak

June 4-10 is “Business Etiquette Week.” It is also “Telemarketing Awareness Week.”

Some maybelieve these two concepts cannot be harmonized, butit is, in fact, possible. Consider thefollowingexcerpts from The Yak’s Big Book ofBusiness Etiquette for Handling Telemarketers and Other Solicitors:

1.When a telemarketer calls, politely inform him (or her) that you do want to hear what (s)he hasto say, but that you need “just a minute.” Put the telemarketer on hold. Don’t go back. (This offers the dual advantages of politeness and protecting others. As long as the telemarketer remains on hold, (s)he isn’t pestering someone else.)

2. Telemarketers who ask to speak with “the decision maker of the house” should always be referred to the youngest child (capable of speech) currently in residence. Tell the child the individual on the telephone wants to hear all about his latest adventure with his invisible friend Bobo (or a similar topic upon which said child can speak for ninety minutes without drawing breath). This isn’t a lie: anyone who has had a two year-old knows all too well who makes the decisions in your house.

3. Sometimes telemarketers use telephone systems which deliver a pre-recorded message prior to a live person coming on the line. These systems usually tell you to “hang on” for an “important message.” Do as they ask. Put the call permanently on hold and go about your business. (Again – the longer you tie them up, the bigger the service you’re doing for your friends who aren’t having to answer the telephone.)

4.Answer all questions with questions. If you decide to engage the telemarketer in conversation, answer each of his or her questions with one of your own. This entertains them and keeps them from becoming bored on the job. A real-lifeexample:

Telemarketer: Hello, may I speak with the decision-maker of the house?

Me: (Sorry that Yak the Younger is out with The Random Spouse and therefore unavailable to come to the phone) Decision maker?

Telemarketer: Yes, you know, the person who makes the purchasing decisions in your home.

Me: We make purchasing decisions?

Telemarketer: Yeeees….when you decide to buy major appliances. Who makes those decisions?

Me: How do you know I have major appliances?

Telemarketer: You don’t have major appliances?

Me: How do you know whether I have major appliances?

Telemarketer: I just want to speak with the person who makes purchasing decisions in your home.

Me: What constitutes a major purchasing decision?

[click]

Me: Hello?

Don’t worry if the telemarketer begins to sound frustrated or snippy. They actually enjoy the intellectual exercise.

At least, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Trackposted to Pirate’s Cove, Webloggin, Planck’s Constant, The World According to Carl, and The Yankee Sailor, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.