The Random Yak

The San FranciscoBoard of Lunatic Barkers and Flappers Supervisors has decided to ban the use of plastic bagsby supermarkets.

The effort, heralded as an effort to promote recycling and “get to the core of the problem” of consumer waste, bans all plastic grocery bags manufactured using petroleum products (Though it does permit “recyclable plastic bags” – as to the difference, your guess is as good as mine.Dollars to doughnutsthe recyclable ones don’t work as well.)

Essentially, San Francisco shoppers now have the option to use paper grocery bags, canvas or other cloth grocery bags or (where offered) “recyclable plastic bags” (which the article points out are not commonly used,though it fails to mention why).

How shall I fisk thee? Let me count the ways…

I have no problem with paper bags. In fact, Iuse them about 50% of the time. I even recycle them – to the extent using them to start barbecue fires qualifies as “recycling.” I’ve noticed a couple of important things about paper grocery bags over the years, though. First, they tend not to respond all that well to frozen foods and other leak-prone items. Now, I admit most tree-hugging vegan environmentalists probably don’t have much reason for concern over how successfully that paper bag is going to transport my big, dripping steaks orartificially-colored popsicles. If possible, they’d probably ban the steaks and popsicles into the bargain – and I’d give them credit for effort (as they pry the steak knife and popsicle stick from my cold, dead fingers).

But it certainly surprises me that they don’t have a little more concern for the tree.

You know, the one that used to stand tall and proud in the wilderness but now has to transport my dripping steaks and leaky popsicles. The one thatjust sprang a leak on the back seat of my not-so-environmentally-friendly sportscar (that still beats the pants off the mileage on their greenie SUVs).

The way I see it, it’s only a matter of time until paper bags go the way of plastic.

Leaving us two options: recycled plastic bags and the canvas-or-cloth tote-bag style offerings used by many of the environmental set.

Let’s start with canvas.

One word: NO.

Two words: ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, OVER MY DEAD BODY NO. (OK, that might have been a bit more than two).

Nothing fits into those little tote bags very well, so I can see at needing at least two dozen to pick up even the simplest of barbecue needs. (”Would you like your milk in a bag?” “Yeah – mostly because I’d like to see you actually get that gallon into that little canvas bag.”) What fits in a standard paper-or-plastic offering will require a minimum of 3-4 canvas bags, and frankly I’m not sure I want to deal with the inconvenience of needing four times as many bags.

As a matter of principle, I will not be seen walking into the local supermarket carrying two dozen canvas tote bags over my shoulder. Even assuming I could manage to haul the things around without being arrested as a vagrant or a thief with really, really poor taste, the mental image alone would keep me away. It’s not so much that I mind looking geeky and uncool (I do that on a daily basis anyway) as that there’s a difference between merely “geeky and uncool” and looking like some kind of weird bag-person whose left all the relevant belongings in a park somewhere and resorted to merely walking around with the bags.

This, of course, assumes I could even remember to take the bags to the store with me anyway. Half the time I barely remember my wallet – and if you think I’m driving all the way back home to pick up

The impromptu phone call asking, “Honey, can you pick up some steaks and popsicles on the way home from the office?”will also become a thing of the past. Not that the response, “Sorry, forgot the tote bags, guess you’ll have to grab Yak the Younger and run out there yourself,” would go over all that well. I’d probably end up having to go home for the tote bags and then heading to the store.

All of which becomes largely irrelevant when you consider the long-term effects of carrying groceries home in canvas or cloth bags. Not to put too fine a point on it: they stink. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there. You bring the groceries home, only to find something leaked into the bag. With a regular paper-or-plastic bag you throw it away, problem solved and no questions asked. When dealing with canvas, someone has to clean, wash, dry and hang those bags to prevent the stench of three-month-old steak juice and popsicle drool from permeating the market, raising eyebrows along with a miasma that would drop a bull moose. Only most of us tend to forget to put the bags into the laundry immediately upon completing the shopping trip. Some of us might forget to turn the laundry on, or to shepherd the bags safely into the dryer, thereby compounding the problem with unintended, er, mold growth.

Either way the problem is the same: Long term, canvas bags got the funk.

Leaving us the option of “recycled plastic bags.” Which, at the end of the day, means…plastic bags. Plastic bags which get recycled once and then added to landfills. Precisely the problem the ordinance is designed to prevent.

And once that doesn’t work, we’ll probably need to create ordinances regulating therecycled plastic. Or outlawing it altogether. Along with paper bags -because after all,we forgot about the trees the first time around. And we can’t have forgetful people bringing theirsteak-and-popsicle-juice-funky bags into the market, because that creates a health hazard (along with air pollution).

So I’m afraid to tell you, but if we really want to solve the problem we’re going to have to get the San Francisco Supervisors to outlaw bags altogether. Along with plastic wrappings and other non-biodegradable coverings previously used to wrap food for sale.

In fact, from now on you can purchase only as much food as you can carry out of the store in your bare hands. Steaks and popsicles will be sold free of environmentally-unsound plastic wrappers, as will other groceries and food items.

And don’t you complain to me if they drool on the seat of your new sportscar or SUV.

It wasn’t environmentally friendly anyway.

As for me, I’ll be holed up in my closet with my baggies.

Trackposted to Stuck On Stupid, third world county, Adam’s Blog, basil’s blog, Pursuing Holiness, and Right Voices, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.