Last week I received a Strange and Inexplicable Telephone Call From Parts Unknown, which I now relate as part of Today’s Object Lesson and Public Service Announcement About Telephones, Manners and Job Hunting.
To fully understand the call, you should understand that our offices have been plagued with solicitors and telemarketers to a level that would drive even saints to impatience(and I’ve never claimed even the patience of a two year-old, let alone a saint). By office policy and decree, those who answer the telephone must now find out the caller’s identity before giving out information (partly because we want to minimize advertising calls and partly because, well, if they’re going to waste our time we’re going to have a little fun with them in the process.)
That said, the call and the punchline are below the fold:
*ring ring*
Me:(firm name intentionally deleted – and yes, from time to time I actually pick up my own phone).
Caller: I’m calling to confirm your address.
Me: I’m sorry, may I ask where you’re calling from? (I know, I’ve been fined one credit for breach of the verbal grammar code. He caught me off guard.)
Caller: I’m calling to confirm your address.
Me: I’m sorry, may I ask where you’re calling from? (Note use of polite repetition in response to rude repetition)
Caller: (name of local town intentionally deleted)
[Significant pause during which no further information is offered.]
Me: And your name is…
Caller: Al.* (*Note: names have beenchanged to protect those in serious need of an object lesson.)
Me: Al…..
Caller: Smith. I’m calling to confirm your address. Just give me your address.
Me: I’m sorry, why did you need my address again?
Caller: Is there a problem?
Me: (Restraining the desire to respond, “Yes, you’re being exceptionally rude”) Are you calling for someone in particular?
Caller: (Frustrated) All I’m trying to do is confirm your address.
Me: May I ask why you need our address?
Caller: (Becoming increasingly incensed) Why is this so difficult? How about I tell you what I have and you can tell me if it’s right or not. I have… (Begins reading office address)
Me: I’m not at liberty to confirm or deny any information unless I know why you are calling.
Caller: This is ridiculous. (At last! We agree on something!)
Me: We’ve been having some trouble with solicitors. I’m not interested in receiving any advertising materials.
Caller: (Sneering) I won’t send youany advertising materials. Have a nice day. (hangs up)
At this point I’m thinking two things. First, that was one of the rudest people I’ve spoken with in a long time. Second, (though I’m a transactional attorney and have little experience with such things) that sounded like a process server.
Which of course prompts a third thought: which of us – or which of our clients – is being sued?
After a quick review of recent activities around the office, I rapidly reach the twin conclusions that (a) I can’t really think of anything anyone would sue any of us over and (b) if any of the partners is being sued, it’s probably going to be me because that’s the kind of week I’m having.
Flash forward five days. This morning’s mail brought envelopes bearing a familiar name – and return address. Yep. Letters from Al. One for every partner in the firm.
Turns out, Al Smith is looking for a job. Each letter contains a cover letter and a resume (of which I could say much but won’t say anything because onceI let that snark loose there’s just no catching it) explaining all the wonderful reasons Al Smith deserves to work for our firm. Which, in case I forgot to mention it, isn’t hiring.
Especially notnow. And especially not him.
Which brings us toour Public Service Announcement:
When cold calling about a job, please do not annoy, harass, molest, snark at, frustrate or argue with (collectively “Irk”) the person who answers the phone (”Flunky”). If you do choose to Irk The Flunky, you should be aware of the following:
1. The Flunky may or may not be authorized to provide you with information free of charge, without adequate explanations and at your immediate demand.
2. The Flunky may or may not be interested in furthering your cause, assisting you, providing you with desired information, discussing your life or catering to your needs (”Blind Obedience”).
3. The Flunky may or may not have personal access to or experience with the individual upon whom you intend, want and need to make a good impression (”Hiring Partner”).
4. The Flunkymay or may not share (a) office space, (b) friendship, (c) coffee breaks, (d) lunch, or (e) an identity with said Hiring Partner.
5. If sufficiently Irked, the Flunky/Hiring Partner may post your conversation and a record of your behavior on the Internet for all the world to see, read about, discuss, learn from, ridicule, mock, repeat, share with others, comment on over a beer, disparage widely and use as a vehicle for making childrens’ milk spurt from their noses at dinnertime (collectively “Yak About”).
Irk the Flunky at your own risk, but be aware that nothing says “Irked” like a Hiring Partner with a blog, an attitude problem and a need for something to Yak About on a Friday afternoon.
Trackposted to third world county, Woman Honor Thyself, Adam’s Blog, , and basil’s blog, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.
I know, I know, I can’t afford you as my own personal telephone answerer, but it’d be very satisfying to play back some of your conversations with annoying callers (Yes, I do live in a one-party state, so many of those kinds of calls could be recorded*).
*certain restrictions apply; offer void where caller is folded, spindled or mutilated.
Comment by David — March 9, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
Oh, I have a whole log of them. I’ve discovered the best way to get to them is to pretend I have no idea what they want and no capacity or authority to provide the information they request, no matter how trivial. This drives them wild, and while it’s perhaps not the most Christian way to handle the situation it’s quite a bit closer to Christian than my actual instincts, so I’m hoping I get points for effort.
When YtY was younger I used to refer all telemarketers to him. He loved to talk on the phone and he didn’t much care who was on the other end. I’m not altogether certain the telemarketers appreciated it, but they did learn who had a cookie, who didn’t and what went on at Sesame Street, so I figure it’s educational on both ends.
Comment by Random Yak — March 12, 2007 @ 9:55 am