The Random Yak

Earlier this week I had a conversation (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) with The Random Spouse about The Last Cookie and Eating Rights Thereto.

While I lost the battle, I believe my loss had much more to do with ignorance than with lack of right. In fact, upon researching an unrelated (but no more important) issue in the California Civil Code, I realized – to my astonishment – that the cookie did, in fact, belong to me under California law. In the interest of protecting the rights ofinnocent cookie-lovers throughout the state, permit me to advance TheJustification UnderCalifornia Civil CodeSections 3500 et seq For Why The Last Cookie Rightfully Belonged To Me (or to you, provided you’re not disputing the issue with me).

3512. One must not change his purpose to the injury of another.

You said you didn’t want the cookie.You now claim you wanted thecookie. I would have been injured by leaving the cookie alone. Ergo, the cookie belonged to me.

3515. He who consents to an act is not wronged by it.

You consented to me having the cookie – therefore you cannot be wronged by me eating it.

3520. No one should suffer by the act of another

I was starving…

3521. He who takes the benefit must bear the burden.

I acknowledge that you will, doubtless, remind me that I ate the last cookie for at least the next 24 hours, and that during that time I may have to endure reproachful glances and biting commentary about my selfish nature. Having accepted the benefit of the cookie, I accept this as my rightful burden.

I do, however, reserve the right to wear earplugs.

3526. No man is responsible for that which no man can control.

I couldn’t help myself. The cookie made me do it.

3527. The law helps the vigilant before those who sleep on their rights.

OK, I ate it while you were sleeping …

3530. That which does not appear to exist is to be regarded as if it did not exist.

What cookie?

3531. The law never requires impossibilities.

It would be impossible for me to return the cookie, just as it was impossible for me to refrain from eating it.

3533. The law disregards trifles.

And no wonder. They’re nasty. Cookies, however, are another matter.

3536. The greater contains the less.

As I contain the cookie…

3546. Things happen according to the ordinary course of nature and the ordinary habits of life.

And me passing up a cookie would be both unnatural and out of habit.

3548. The law has been obeyed.

The cookie has been eaten.

The case has been closed.