The Random Yak

January 22 is official “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day.”

Now, I thought I’danswered allthe cat’s questions before, but I’ve recently been told that “be quiet, you’re just a cat”doesn’t actually qualify as an “answer.” In light of this (and since I don’t actually want to have to deal with*cough* creative vengeance on my pillow) I’ve brought in an expert – someone very, very familiar with cats and their needs – to help answer all the cats’ questions. Here he is now:

Good morning, Tiger.

That’s Mister Tiger to you. Don’t make me show you my Chuck Norris impression.

So…you’re going to answer all of the cats’ questions for us today?

That’s why I get paid the big bucks. Speaking of which, did I hear someonesay something about yak steaks?

Must be a misunderstanding.

Moving right along to our first question: “The people make me stay inside when I want to go outside. How can I get them to understand that Ishould be allowedout?”

You’re not too bright. Are you sure you’re really a cat? Inside they keep you dry, feed youmeat and provide soft cushions to lie on.Outside yousleep on the wet ground and eat bugs. Remember: it’s better to stay inside and be thought a fool than to sneak outside and remove all doubt.

“Sometimes I try to stalk the people. They always seem to see me, no matter how low I crouch on the carpet. How do I stalk them more successfully?”

Silly kitten – you can’t hide merely by crouching close to the carpet. You also need to close your eyes very, very tightly. If you cannot see the humans, they cannot see you either.

You may also wish to hide behind an obstacle, making yourself more difficult to see. A blade of grass or a kleenex is useful for this purpose and has the added benefit ofcompletelyhiding you from view. (more…)

It’s beginning to look a lot less like something I just threw together for my own amusement….

and so, in honor of the occasion and the debut of the new Christmas Alliance HQ Homepage, here are your Christmas Alliance Page Link Guidelines, presented in Yak FAQ format (primarily because it amuses me):

1. Christmas Alliance? What is the Christmas Alliance?

Wow.  You’ve been out of the loop, haven’t you.  Well, to put it in a nutshell, some of us like Christmas.  A lot.  (And when I say “a lot,” I mean a whole lot.)  We like the religious basis.  We like the celebration.  We like tinsel.  (WOO!)  We like any excuse to celebrate Jesus and to be nice to others, and the fact that we can do it in the presence of decorated trees and cookies doesn’t hurt.

The Christmas Alliance is a group of blogs and bloggers who stand for, promote and celebrate Christmas.  If you’re pro-Christmas, you’re welcome here.

2. So you hate other holidays? What about Kwanzaa? You hate Kwanzaa, don’t you!

No.  We don’t hate Kwanzaa.  We like Christmas.  The fact that I like chocolate-chip cookies makes no statement about my feelings for other cookies.  The fact is, I like chocolate chip.  I also like Christmas.  If you don’t, or if you like something else, you’re welcome to start your own blog. I t’s a big Internet.  Go away now.

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Here at The Random Yak, we pride ourselves on our helpful, socially-minded commentary.  With that in mind, and with the Thanksgiving holiday fast approaching, we thought we’d bring in a “Guest Yak” to prepare the responses to our Thanksgiving Yak FAQ.

And so, with no further ado, permit me to introduce our “Guest Yak” – Gobbles, the Not-Quite-Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey:

Welcome, Gobbles, and thank you for taking time out of your obviously hectic week to respond to some of the more important Thanksgiving questions facing our readers.

Oobie, Oobie. (Or, In English, “on with the questions”)

1. Are you sure that’s a turkey? It looks more like a peacock to me.

Silly human! I am impersonating a peacock for purposes of escaping the nefarious schemes of Americans seeking to cook me and place me on the dining table Thursday afternoon. So far, my disguise seems to be working.

2. I thought turkeys were stupid.

In the famous words of my uncle, Abraham Gobbler…better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than ask a question of a fictitious talking turkey and remove all doubt.

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There’s been an awful lot in the news (and elsewhere) lately about “sock puppetry” – a concept about which no small number ofour readers, e-mailersand commenters seem somewhat confused (Okay, it’s only one guy, but he uses five different names.). To that end, we present the following Yak FAQ on the Care and Feeding of Sock Puppets.

Q:What isthe problem withsock puppets? Do you have something against children’s theater?

We have nothing but respect for Punch, Judy and anyone else with patched-up toe holes who carries a bat twice his body size. The term “Sock Puppetry” actually refers to the practice of creating and using “secret” or anonymous “identities” to promote, praise, defend or lionize oneself on the Internet. This is generally consideredinappropriate and an indicator that the speaker lacks thecapacity and maturity todefend his (or her)own statements.

Q: But why “sock puppets”?

The idea probably stems from the idea that one person can place multiple sock puppets over his (or her) hands and thereby “adopt” as many identities as (s)he wishes. (For my own sake, I’m not sure I completely agree with the term. Have you ever seen a sock puppet defend itself? It’s not pretty. There are usually bats involved.)

Q: How doreal sock puppets feel about their name becoming associated with fake identities and Internet scandal?

Mostfree-range California socks (and sockpuppets)arecurrently engaged in summer hibernation, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see the ASLU (the American Sock Liberties Union) bring legal action when they return to wakefulnessin the fall.

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Just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock lately…

Snakes on a Plane opens Friday, amid huge hypeand nosmall amount of confusion. And it’s not only the MSM that seems to be having trouble. I’ve discovered that a fairly large number of “people who take themselvesaltogether too seriously” are having difficulty relating to this cinematic tour de force(not to mention missingcertain recent references embedded in this and other blogs) so, as always, I thought I’d offer a little tutorial for those lagging slightly behind.

What followsis our in-house FAQ (doubtless the first of many)for Snakes on a Plane:

How on earth did you ever learn about this? And why would you care?

The filmcaught my attention more for its humorous, ironic qualities than because I anticipated anything in the nature of a plotline. That, and the fact that it offers perhaps the most perfectsingle-role casting in film history (a reference, of course, to cult-and-blockbuster-favorite Samuel L. Jackson in a role thatpromises multiple quotable lines – at least for those with slightly less-family-oriented blogs).

As it happens, I’m not the only one who noticed. Not surprising, when you consider this film has had arguably thebiggest movie hype in history (thanks in no small part to the blogging community) - andhasalready beenthe subject of more jokes, spoofs and ironic comments (my own included) than any other film in recent memory. And it hasn’t even been releasedyet.

Does anyone else even care?

A Google search for “Snakes on a Plane” brings up 21,800,000 results. Not bad for a film with no advance screenings.

Yes, but why snakes?

Because “Teddy Bears on a Plane” just didn’t have that scary ring they were looking for.

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