Check out what came in the email this morning. I publish this first to say, "Neener, neener, I’m a weener" (statistically, 98% of you laughed at that, 46% actually got the pun immediately and 3% are thinking "yes, yes you are.") and second, to help the rest of you understand the difference between what an unsolicited email says (and what it really means.)
Fisking commences below.
Sir/Madam (Sorry, we can’t tell from the email address whether RandomYak@gmail.com is male or female
, but we are an equal opportunity scammer).
CONGRATULATIONS!!! (You sucker)
We are pleased to inform you (that we are about to try to take advantage of you and steal your money) of the result of DE (Definitely Exploitative) LOTTO NL (Not Legitimate) Lotteries Winners International programs held on the 20th , January, 2006 (No, really, it’s a Lottery – are you a weener?). Your e-mail address (which we) attached (at random) to ticket #: 00903228100 (a number big enough to look legitimate without seeming completely randomly generated) with prize # 778009/2 (the amount of money we’ll be attempting to steal from you: roughly $389,004.50) drew ?1,000,000.00 (which is a really, really big number but not big enough to make you suspicious) which was first in the 2nd class of the draws (you’re the biggest second-class
loser winner we could find).
you (note lack of capitalization at start of sentence – but then, you won’t notice because if you’re still reading you’re not smart enough to understand punctuation anyway) are to receive ?1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) (we’ll write it in words, too, just in case you didn’t believe us the first time). Because of mix up in (grammar) cash pay-outs (that too – we wouldn’t want to mix up and actually pay it out), we ask that you keep your winning information confidential (well, I’ve done it now, by sharing it on the blog I can no longer actually collect my weener-ings) until your money (?1,000,000.00) (in case you forgot already) has been fully remitted to you by our accredited pay-point bank (we don’t pay, but we will point – and laugh). This measure must be adhere(d – pay no attention to the grammatical error behind the curtain) to avoid loss of your cash prize (wow, battin’ 1.000 on grammar today) - winners of our cash prizes (snicker) are advised to adhere to these instructions to forestall the abuse of this program by other participants (fortunately, this says nothing about avoiding abuse by bloggers, which may mean I’m still in the running).
It’s important to note that this draws (note the draws, not the grammar) were conducted formally (we were wearing tuxedos and evening gowns purchased with the money we took from the last "weeners"), and winners are selected (at random) through an internet ballot system (at random) from 60,000 individual and companies e-mail addresses (gathered…at random) – the draws are conducted around the world (usually in countries that don’t extradite) through our internet based (untrackable) ballot system ("Every number a Weener").
The promotion is sponsored and promoted by DE LOTTO NL BV (Definitely Exploitative Lottery Out To Take Over your money, Not Legitimate and Badly Veiled). We congratulate you once again (for being gullible enough to read this far). We hope you will use part of (your money) it in our next draws (since you didn’t actually pay to enter this one – but please don’t notice that part); the jackpot winning is ?85million (your piddly 1 million is nothing compared to the real money you could really
Remember, all winning(s -) must be claimed not later than 20 days (from an undisclosed date that actually passed fifteen days ago). After this date all unclaimed cash prize(s – there we go again) will be forfeited (too bad – but you can still pay to enter the next drawing!) and included in the next sweepstake (hurry, hurry, we need your money today!).
Please, in order to avoid unnecessary delays (like talking about this with someone who might have the sense to tell you it’s a scam) and complications (like honesty) remember to quote personal and winning numbers in all correspondence with us.
Congratulations once again from all members of DE LOTTO NL (aka Defendant Does 1-100…). Thank you for being part of our promotional program (it’s a scam, but let’s not split hairs). For immediate release of your cash prize to you, please kindly contact our Paying Bank ( DUTSCHE BANK) (looks suspiciously like DeutcheBank – but without the "E" – I’m sure that’s just an accidental typo) Amsterdam The Netherland.(funny, I always thought it was NetherlandS)
Send them the followings (followings??)
: (i). Your names (including aliases? – No, we’re the only ones with aliases around here)
(ii) Contact telephone and fax numbers (Not just the fax…)
(iii) Contact Address (do you own your home?)
(iv) your winning numbers (randomly generated to help us identify you)
(v) Quote amount won (note that your "weening numbers" won’t adequately identify you – we need you to remind us of what we said you’d win)
. Contact person: Mr. Edward James (what an original, identifiable name!)
Dutcshe Bank (there’s that missing "E" again. Probably just a coincidence)
E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org (because we didn’t want to spend any of that 38 million Euros in prize money to purchase our own domain name and email)
Tel: +31- 617-592-473 Congratulations once again. (You shmoo, for being silly enough to read this far)
Yours in service, Mrs Venesa Deboer
Curiously, I think Mrs. Deboer contacted me last month too. At that point she was still trying to liberate the 38 million Euros (which previously belonged to an evil African government) from a bank account somewhere in Switzerland. I’m glad to see she managed to free up the funds and is putting them to good use.
Linked to weekend OTP at Adam’s Blog
and Stuck on Stupid (who’s in trouble for posting a picture of Ted (my dog’s name is) "Splash" Kennedy that will make rational beings lose their lunch).