The Random Yak

Do You Like Green Eggs and Spam?

Filed under: Frivol,Random Warnings — Random Yak @ 10:56 am on November 19, 2009

… No, I delete them, Spam-I-Am.

But since I’m in the mood, I thought I’d send a big, virtual raspberry in the direction of our latest spambot commenter, who (in light of our “no-words-you-wouldn’t-tell-MY-grandma” policy) I’ll simply refer to as “The Piano Man.”  (With apologies to Billy Joel.)

Sing it with me…

Send me some spam, O Piano man, Send me more spam tonight, ’cause my inbox was feeling so lonely, and I need a topic to write….

Again…my apologies to Billy Joel.

This wasn’t the first one, and this isn’t the first time I’ve posted on the topic.  Nor, in all likelihood, will it be the last.  After all, I’m not just a member of the “Drag a Spammer Behind Your Chariot for Personal Amusement” club…I’m also the president.

In fact, I shall continue to flog this deceased equine until it ceases to amuse me – and I am very, very easily amused.

But seriously, does anyone really think that sending spambots into the ether will either promote traffic to their websites, increase their chances of selling that (insert adult product name here) or fool anyone at all into thinking their little piece of the blogosphere just acquired another mirror-fogging reader?  I certainly hope not.  Because not only do the words “I bookmarked your site. Very interest conversation.  Good post!” not add anything constructive to the discussion (read: you not help make interest conversation. kthxbai.) but they also scream “CLICK THROUGH TO MY GRAND PIANO SITE WHICH REALLY CONTAINS SPYWARE THAT WILL ENABLE MY COLLEAGUES IN [INSERT RANDOM UNFRIENDLY BUT NON-EXTRADITING NATION] TO ENSLAVE YOUR COMPUTER AND USE IT TO STEAL SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS FROM ELDERLY WIDOWS AND KICK THE PUPPIES OF UNSUSPECTING CHILDREN.”

Or something like that.

So, from the bottom of my shaggy, grandma-saving, puppy-loving heart….

Go away.




Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

A Christmas Alliance Stolen Post

Filed under: Just Yaks,Random Warnings,Yak Rants — Random Yak @ 11:44 am on December 6, 2006

Our long-term readers and allies may well remember a little incident we had back in May. Obviously, not everyone remembers what we did in response to that incident, because it’s happened again.

At Christmas. A time of christmas lights, reindeer, letters to santa claus, family, friends and patio door locks (ok, that last one might have been a dig at our previous unwanted guest). And so I’m dashing through the snow filled with Christmas memories, outdoor lights, indoor garlands and yard-and-lawn decorations toteach yet another spammer yet another lesson.

This post is stolen too.

That is, it’s stolen if you find it christmas-lighted, tinselled (WOO) or run up the Christmas Tree anywhere but

(Explanationand further fisking below the fold). (more…)

Illness-Based Content Disclaimer

Filed under: Just Yaks,Random PSAs,Random Warnings — Random Yak @ 4:17 am on November 20, 2006

On the advice of legal counsel (the “Voices In My Head”)I am providing the followingIllness-Based Content Disclaimer (“Space Filler Post”):“Alleged Blog”) may contain entries, articles, commentary, “news,” irony, puns, and bad attempts at humor (“Tomfoolery”). Following periods of illness or missed work (“Feeling Like Death Warmed Over”) the Random Yak’s ordinarily stellar and sparkling sense of humor may be somewhat impacted, diminished or skewed (“Business As Usual”). Reading Tomfoolery duringperiods of Business AsUsualmaycause entertainment,confusion, irony,loud gobbling noises(oobie oobie oobie!) andan uncontrollable desire to consume multiple helpings of turkey and cranberry sauce. We here at The Random Yak disclaim all responsibility forTomfoolery and Business As Usual.

This has been a Random Public Service Announcement.

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More Advice You Shouldn’t Need (But Some of you Doubtless Do)

Filed under: Just Yaks,Lessons Learned,Random Warnings — Random Yak @ 11:13 am on September 1, 2006

Adam pointed me to LaShawn Barber’s continuing piece on avoiding Internet/blogging scandal (aka, “Blog Ethics 101″) with the comment that it contains good advice – but advice he wishes people didn’t need.

Which started me thinking.

LaShawn is performing an important and valuable public service, helping people understand things which should be instinctive – but now that common sense “isn’t” andbarkingmad is the new “moderate” she might just be on to a new niche market: advicewe shouldn’t need, but somepeople actually do.

Which also started me thinking.

LaShawn ranks among the first-string bloggers because she’s consistently trying to help people in a variety of ways, from spreading important information to offering helpful advice to those who should don’t know better. In short, engaging in precisely the kind of behavior we yaks seek to emulate. And with that in mind, I’ve decided to be helpful too. Here’s my first installment of “More Advice You Shouldn’t Need (But Some of you Doubtless Do)”

1. On Blogging:If you’re going to use sock puppets, please wash the socks first. (Unless, of course, you’re goingplanning a different kind of self defense.)

2.On Electronics: The video game console really does work better when you plug itin. (Trust me.)

3. On Lost Objects:Someone once told me she”always” seems to find things the last placeshe looks for them. Newsflash: There’s a reason for that.

4. On Coffee: May Should be hot. (And if you didn’t order it iced, you wanted it that way, soit reallyshouldn’t come as a big surprise.)

5.On the Care and Feeding of Sock Puppets: If you’re going to go against conventional wisdom and use sock puppet identities, keep them secret and name them carefully. (Pick something really clever like “NotTheYak” so nobody will ever, ever recognize you.)

6. On Gaming: When thehealer says “AFK/OOM,” stop pulling. (Or prepare to ask for a rez.)

Excuse Me While I Contact My Bank

Filed under: Just Yaks,Random Warnings — Random Yak @ 7:20 am on January 27, 2006

Check out what came in the email this morning. I publish this first to say, "Neener, neener, I’m a weener" (statistically, 98% of you laughed at that, 46% actually got the pun immediately and 3% are thinking "yes, yes you are.") and second, to help the rest of you understand the difference between what an unsolicited email says (and what it really means.)

Fisking commences below.

Sir/Madam (Sorry, we can’t tell from the email address whether is male or female, but we are an equal opportunity scammer).
We are pleased to inform you (that we are about to try to take advantage of you and steal your money) of the result of DE (Definitely Exploitative) LOTTO NL (Not Legitimate) Lotteries Winners International programs held on the 20th , January, 2006 (No, really, it’s a Lottery – are you a weener?). Your e-mail address (which we) attached (at random) to ticket #: 00903228100 (a number big enough to look legitimate without seeming completely randomly generated) with prize # 778009/2 (the amount of money we’ll be attempting to steal from you: roughly $389,004.50) drew ?1,000,000.00 (which is a really, really big number but not big enough to make you suspicious) which was first in the 2nd class of the draws (you’re the biggest second-class loser winner we could find).
you (note lack of capitalization at start of sentence – but then, you won’t notice because if you’re still reading you’re not smart enough to understand punctuation anyway) are to receive ?1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) (we’ll write it in words, too, just in case you didn’t believe us the first time). Because of mix up in (grammar) cash pay-outs (that too – we wouldn’t want to mix up and actually pay it out), we ask that you keep your winning information confidential (well, I’ve done it now, by sharing it on the blog I can no longer actually collect my weener-ings) until your money (?1,000,000.00) (in case you forgot already) has been fully remitted to you by our accredited pay-point bank (we don’t pay, but we will point – and laugh). This measure must be adhere(d – pay no attention to the grammatical error behind the curtain) to avoid loss of your cash prize (wow, battin’ 1.000 on grammar today) - winners of our cash prizes (snicker) are advised to adhere to these instructions to forestall the abuse of this program by other participants (fortunately, this says nothing about avoiding abuse by bloggers, which may mean I’m still in the running).
It’s important to note that this draws (note the draws, not the grammar) were conducted formally (we were wearing tuxedos and evening gowns purchased with the money we took from the last "weeners"), and winners are selected (at random) through an internet ballot system (at random) from 60,000 individual and companies e-mail addresses (gathered…at random) – the draws are conducted around the world (usually in countries that don’t extradite) through our internet based (untrackable) ballot system ("Every number a Weener").
The promotion is sponsored and promoted by DE LOTTO NL BV (Definitely Exploitative Lottery Out To Take Over your money, Not Legitimate and Badly Veiled). We congratulate you once again (for being gullible enough to read this far). We hope you will use part of (your money) it in our next draws (since you didn’t actually pay to enter this one – but please don’t notice that part); the jackpot winning is ?85million (your piddly 1 million is nothing compared to the real money you could really lose win).
Remember, all winning(s -) must be claimed not later than 20 days (from an undisclosed date that actually passed fifteen days ago). After this date all unclaimed cash prize(s – there we go again) will be forfeited (too bad – but you can still pay to enter the next drawing!) and included in the next sweepstake (hurry, hurry, we need your money today!).
Please, in order to avoid unnecessary delays (like talking about this with someone who might have the sense to tell you it’s a scam) and complications (like honesty) remember to quote personal and winning numbers in all correspondence with us.
Congratulations once again from all members of DE LOTTO NL (aka Defendant Does 1-100…). Thank you for being part of our promotional program (it’s a scam, but let’s not split hairs). For immediate release of your cash prize to you, please kindly contact our Paying Bank ( DUTSCHE BANK) (looks suspiciously like DeutcheBank – but without the "E" – I’m sure that’s just an accidental typo) Amsterdam The Netherland.(funny, I always thought it was NetherlandS)
Send them the followings (followings??): (i). Your names (including aliases? – No, we’re the only ones with aliases around here) (ii) Contact telephone and fax numbers (Not just the fax…) (iii) Contact Address (do you own your home?) (iv) your winning numbers (randomly generated to help us identify you) (v) Quote amount won (note that your "weening numbers" won’t adequately identify you – we need you to remind us of what we said you’d win). Contact person: Mr. Edward James (what an original, identifiable name!) Dutcshe Bank (there’s that missing "E" again. Probably just a coincidence) E-mail: (because we didn’t want to spend any of that 38 million Euros in prize money to purchase our own domain name and email) Tel: +31- 617-592-473 Congratulations once again. (You shmoo, for being silly enough to read this far) Yours in service, Mrs Venesa Deboer
Curiously, I think Mrs. Deboer contacted me last month too. At that point she was still trying to liberate the 38 million Euros (which previously belonged to an evil African government) from a bank account somewhere in Switzerland. I’m glad to see she managed to free up the funds and is putting them to good use.
Linked to weekend OTP at Adam’s Blog and Stuck on Stupid (who’s in trouble for posting a picture of Ted (my dog’s name is) "Splash" Kennedy that will make rational beings lose their lunch).

Random Warning Labels (part 1)

Filed under: Random Warnings — Random Yak @ 10:00 am on January 11, 2006

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…with Liberty and Warning Labels for all.

Filed under: Random Warnings — Random Yak @ 11:00 am on January 10, 2006

Warning labels serve an important safety function, and can render an otherwise defectively dangerous product safe by providing important information about safe product use and function.

Unfortunately, an increasingly litigious society (combined with an apparent desire to defeat the idiot-proof by continually coming up with a better idiot) has resulted in warning labels which, in some cases, suggest uses most of us would never have considered in the first place.

More unfortunately – most of them arise as a result of someone doing precisely what it is the label warns us not to do. As a result, we end up with warning labels that range from the moderately useful (On Hairdryer: "Do not use this product in the shower or bath" – ok, someone in a hurry might actually need this one), to the unintentional tautology(On Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only"), to the "writer with too much time (and creativity) on his hands" (On Mattress: "Do not attempt to eat") and finally, the "killer of brain cells" – the warning so inane you can feel your IQ dropping as you read it (On Matches: "warning, contents may catch fire").

In the interest of consumer safety and pointing out the ridiculous lows to which the new "protect us from ourselves, because we’ve become too slow of thought to actually think on our own" worldview has caused us to fall (ok, entertainment has something to do with it too) I am starting a new feature here at the yak – the random examination of Warnings That Should Be Unnecessary.

Certain warning labels serve useful (and even necessary) functions, preserving life and discouraging dangerous acts. These are not the labels of which I speak.

"Warnings That Should be Unnecessary" result from a unique problem in Moonbat logic: the need to protect people from a lack of judgment and common sense. "Warning, surface may be hot" is a valid warning label for the muffler of a motorcycle. "Warning: coffee may be hot" should not be a necessary label for a beverage whose defining characteristic is -stay with me here – warmth. If you cannot figure this out, you probably didn’t want coffee in the first place.

Curiously, the group that believes in overwarning also tends to be the group that places so much stock in evolution. I have long found this a fascinating – and not necessarily coherent – logical position. Their position, as best I can summarize it, seems to be: 1. Survival of the fittest – because only those best adapted to survival deserve to survive and reproduce. 2. Protect the less-well-adapted from hurting themselves (thereby potentially removing themselves from the gene pool) so they can grow up to reproduce. Yet another example of equidistance from reality.

Obviously, they believe survival of the fittest no longer applies to modern human society (you’re halfway there, guys…keep trying) - but as a result, these socially-correct, overly-protective, band-aid carrying paragons of safety have over-warned us to the point that personal responsibility is becoming a threatened species.

I do not advocate elimination of valuable, realistic warning labels that alert users to potential dangers. I don’t even hold with removing some that walk the line – after all, there will always be one ten year-old who wants to run a power drill and one fifty year-old who would have been better off letting the kid run it for him. But when we reach the point that my cocktail napkin comes printed with a graphic design of a map and a printed warning that reads: "Not to be used for navigation." Things. Have. Gone. Too. Far.

It is time to call in the yaks.

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